Mommy Shaming

On the wall in my school library is a quote by R. J. Palacio, "Given the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind." This fabulous quote is found in her book Wonder, which, in my humble opinion, should be required reading for both children and adults, but I digress. Considering the recent media reports concerning child-related tragedies - the Cincinati Zoo gorilla incident, the Disney resort alligator attack - and the name-calling and parent shaming on social sites, I think we would do well to remember Mrs. Palacio's words.

Having experienced tragedy myself, I have found that it is easier for some people to point fingers rather than acknowledge that life cannot always be controlled. If I can find a way to blame you, then I can convince myself that this tragedy cannot and will not happen to me. It's not right, or excusable. In fact, it simply sheds light on that person's inability to deal with the reality that accidents happen. You can do everything right, and something can still go wrong. On the flip side, you can do everything wrong, and come out unscathed. Life is fragile and unpredictable.

Sure, there are times when someone makes a bad choice that leads them down the road of tragedy. However, before you point that finger, remember how many times you have looked away, become distracted, accidentally cut someone off in traffic, made an innocently naïve choice, disciplined your child improperly, or just plain lost your patience and your temper? We are not perfect. As Alexander Pope said, "To err is human, to forgive, divine."

Tragedy is not the only time we should be remembering to be kind. Very often we encounter other parents with very different parenting styles and we tend to get a little judgmental, because obviously our way is the right way. In fact, the majority of my parent coaching sessions deal with this very real feeling that as parents we aren't measuring up. Mommy shaming has lead to a complete breakdown in many parents' confidence leading them to run themselves ragged trying to do it all right, which sadly leaves them self-conscious, defensive, and confused.  

Let me just say, I know families that have chosen all manner of parenting approaches: natural labor, epidurals, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, family beds, separate rooms, nannies, stay-at-home parent, tight schedules, free-flow schedules, early bedtimes, later bedtimes, public school, private school, home school, organic home cooked food, canned and ready-prepared meals - and their children turned out to be fine upstanding adults. Look, you might not agree with their parenting choices, but if they have not asked for your advice - choose kind and let's stop shaming people into second guessing their natural instincts.

So when tragedy strikes, or you simply run into a friend with a screaming toddler - remember these two verses:

John 8:7, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone."

Luke 10:27, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Which I believe R. J. Palacio perfectly summed up in "choose kind."