I recently had a question regarding rude and disrespectful behavior in a young teen. These parents were dealing with mumbling, grumbling, eye-rolling along with mean-spirited comments about mom's
appearance, snapping mom's bra strap when giving a hug, poking and goosing parents. This youth had been told countless times that these behaviors were unacceptable. As a consequence, the youth
lost electronics when he just wouldn't stop. Yet, the behaviors kept happening. How to handle and STOP rude behavior? Below is my answer to the parents.
You are correct, mumbling, grumbling, and eye-rolling are simply expressions of dislike. Ignore those expressions as long as your son is complying with instruction. To react to these
grumblings only invites arguments. As for snapping your bra strap, that would drive me up the wall. My first instinct would be to smack my child upside the head. If you have told him that
you do not like your bra snapped and he does it again, push him away and fine him. Same goes for making fun of your appearance and saying rude things like "you're being annoying." I'm going to
title these "pushing mom's buttons just because I can." Does he get an allowance or earn money in any way? If so, get a jar, put on it "Mom's Tip Jar" and have him pay a quarter, or even a
dollar, anytime he treats you rudely. That will be your money to spend on you and only you. If he does things to push dad's buttons, or he is regularly rude to his siblings, start a separate
jar for them too. Start this immediately.
If he doesn't have money, do not start paying him for chores he already does. Instead, each time he "pushes your buttons" and is unable to pay, give him an extra chore that you usually do and pay
him $1 if you charge a quarter or $5 if you charge a dollar for rude behavior. The chore needs to be a hard chore that isn't any fun. For example - washing the windows in the living room,
scrubbing the cabinets or grout with a toothbrush, vacuuming the car, washing the car, weeding. Outline the job and the expectation on an index card for repeated use: "Washing the Windows - using
Windex, spray the window. Wipe the window using a cloth that I will provide. Wipe down the frames and trim. The window will be streak-free and dirt/dust free in order to complete the job." Do not
pay him until the job is done to your standards, even if he has to go back and do the job repeatedly. Do not stand over him while he does the job. Simply read the card to him and send him on his
way. Don't nag him about it, but don't let him do anything else until the job is done. When he thinks he is done, go and inspect. If it's to your standards, pay him. If not, give specific
instructions in short, concise sentences and leave again. You are only going to pay him a small amount because part of the discipline is the chore. Once the job is completed to your
satisfaction and you have paid him, make sure he pays his fine to you for being rude. The next time he can't pay his fine, assign another chore and repeat the process.
Not only will you be holding your son accountable for his rude and disrespectful behaviors, you will also be teaching him the value of a dollar which will serve him well in adulthood.
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