I recently answered a parenting questioning about dealing with a defiant four year old. The little guy hit another child at a playground and then threw that child's toy down the slide. When mom went to talk to him, saying, "Johnny come here I want to talk to you" the little tyke said no and ran away. As mom started to threaten consequences, the boy involved his two year old brother in the game of "catch-me-if-you-can." We've all been there, our child does something outlandish and oh so naughty and then further frustrates us by defying our instructions. What is a parent to do?
First, there is no talking to a young child. In fact, there's usually no talking to a school-aged child. Talking indicates that you want your child to understand the error of his ways and make a different choice. As he demonstrated, he already knows the errors of his ways. By yelling at you and running away, he is avoiding the consequence he knows is coming because he knows he did something wrong. Since he already knows he did something wrong, he's not going to listen to anything you say.
Children quickly tune out lectures. They also tune out threats. A threat is simply more words that may or may not happen. A child is very willing to take his chances that the threat will not take place if he simply diverts your attention by running away, acting out, or quickly offering an insincere apology. When the threat finally takes place, said child will melt down into a temper tantrum because his master plan of diversion didn't work and he is upset that the consequence took place.
So, if talking doesn't work, what does? Actions. The next time your child becomes defiant, don't talk, simply act. Let's walk through the playground scene again. He hit another boy and threw his toy down the slide. As soon as you are able, grab his hand and walk him over to the child or the child's parent. Then say, "I am sorry Johnny acted inappropriately. I assure you this will be handled." Yes, you are going to apologize for him. Why? Forcing a defiant child to apologize for something he is not sorry for is insincere and opens a whole new opportunity for him to be defiant. By apologizing for his behavior, you are modeling correct social behavior, providing the injured party a sincere apology, and letting your son know that his actions will not be tolerated. Then you will take him home.
As you walk or drive home, he will probably be crying. Once again, he knows he did wrong and he knows the consequence is coming. He is crying because he doesn't want the consequence. However, the consequence must happen in order for the child to possibly make a different choice next time, so let him cry. Do not talk to him while he is crying. Do not sooth him while he is crying. Just let him cry. When you get home, have a very short talk, "Johnny, hitting and throwing toys are not allowed. You will spend the rest of the day in your room." Then put him in his room and go about your day. Let him out occasionally to use the bathroom - set a three minute timer to avoid dawdling. Also let him out for family meals. After dinner, it's back to his room with lights out.
Notice I said "possibly make a different choice" in the last paragraph. As parents we must understand that humans operate under free will. We each choose how to respond in any given circumstance. Experience and training help us to make those choices, but sometimes we let our emotions overrule our common sense. We cannot force our children to make better choices, we cannot lecture them into making better choices. What we can do is provide an appropriate consequence for the choice made and let experience help guide them. A consequence provides your child with some motivation. The next time your child is tempted to act out at the park, he will remember that the last time he went to his room. That memory may help it make a better choice. If he learns that every time he acts out at the park, he goes to his room, he will have more incentive to stop acting out at the park.
With that said, the next time you go to the park, give a quick run down of the rules, but do not give a list of likely consequences. Simply say, "At the park, I expect you to play nice with others and to listen." Then go about your day. If your child disobeys, it's back home to his room. Continue to use this method - providing one sentence expectations before any event, when he is openly defiant, put him in his room for the day. He will quickly learn that it is in his best interest to listen and follow the rules.
One small motto - actions speak louder than words - will go a long way to solving defiance. So, write the slogan on a mirror. Recite it to yourself through out the day and then be prepared to act.
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