Ditches

I have been mulling over Matthew 7:14, "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life,"  This passage tells us that Christianity is a narrow road. On either side of this path are ditches. It's very easy to veer off into a ditch. On one side is the ditch of permissiveness and apathy. On the other, the ditch of legalism. The same can be said about parenting. Are you wallowing in a ditch or are you on the path? Our society seems to be rooted on the path of permissiveness and apathy,but today, I would like to talk about the path of legalism.

I answer many questions from frustrated parents ready to pull their hair out, and many of them have to do with too high expectations. Let's be frank, children are not perfect. You cannot discipline or disciple them into perfection. Stop and think for a minute, have you disciplined yourself into perfection? Do you always react in the proper manner? Make the right choice, every time? Of course not. We are human beings, we make mistakes. Occasionally, we even willfully make the wrong choice. Sometimes our choices have natural consequences. Sometimes our choices are forgiven. Sometimes someone, like a boss or law enforcement, steps in with a penalty. 

So, stop expecting from your child what you yourself cannot accomplish. Instead, approach parenting with a little common sense and grace. Identify the three biggest challenges you have with your child and work on those. Let the rest go. You will find that as you address the big three, your child is learning to apply several important life lessons - self-control, problem solving, and respect - not only to the big three, but also to the other areas of her life. You are not only correcting behavior, you are teaching character. Character influences every aspect of life. 

How does this look in real life: 

1) Don't take it personally. Your child's occasional misbehavior is not an indication that you are a failure as a parent. It simply indicates that your child is human. Humans misbehave. 

2) Be prepared. Don't be caught off guard when your child has a bad day or makes a truly horrible choice. Discuss with your spouse ahead of time how you will respond to different scenarios. Being prepared with responses helps keep you from lecturing or getting upset. John Rosemond's "The Well Behaved Child" is a wonderful resource that will help you prepare. 

3) Resist making it your problem. When your child misbehaves, who gets upset? If you are the one getting upset, it's your problem. You will then attempt to manage the behavior as your child really doesn't care to change. This is going to cause frustration and additional problems. Instead, you need to make sure that when your child misbehaves, he is the one who gets upset. We accomplish this with consequences. An example: 

 - grades. As parents we care about grades for several reasons. One is very subtle, we think grades are a direct reflection on our ability to parent. No. Grades are a direct reflection on your child's understanding and application of a subject. They are his problem. My son was flunking math. The first week I calmly said, "You are flunking math." He said, "I know. I'm handling it." No one was concerned. I left it at that, no more comments, no help with homework, no contact with his teacher. This is his problem to solve. Four weeks go by, he is still flunking and I get an e-mail from his teacher. My son isn't paying attention in class and is rushing through his homework. My husband and I sat my son down, told him about the e-mail, and let him know he had until the end of the quarter to fix his problem. If he didn't have a passing grade on his report card, we would be forced to step in and he most assuredly would not like our solution to his problem. Two weeks later he was passing. He maintained a 90% or above in the class for the remainder of the year. Not once did we help with homework or further contact his teacher. If his grade had not improved, he would have spent the next quarter in his room without friends, electronics, or after school activities. 

4) Establish consequences that matter and help to build character. An example: 

 - every one forgets. We have all left the house without something important at one point or other. So, my children get one "free pass" per school year. If they forget their book bag or their homework, I will take it to them once for free. The next time, they pay a delivery fee of $5. The next time, the fee is $10. I have only had to charge the fee one time. It's a practical consequence that helps teach responsibility and organization.