Battle of Wills

A battle of wills - 

situation in which there are two competing people or groups, and both sides are equally determined to get
what they want
(http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/a+battle+of+wills)
Whether the problem revolves around food, bedtime, clothing, hygiene, or getting ready to leave, most issues boil down to a battle of will. You, as the parent, have a valid expectation. Your child, as a member of the human race, asserts his free will to say, "no." GAME ON! The battle begins. Each time your child resists or simply refuses, you can feel your blood begin to boil. After all, your expectation is for the benefit of the child and/or the family. His refusal is blatant disrespect! He WILL do what I say! Yet, that stubborn child just digs his heals in and continues to resist because he can. It's as simple as that. The battle continues to rage and becomes emotionally exhausting for everyone. 
Unfortunately, as soon as you enter into the battle, you have both lost. Oh, you might win the battle, but you won't win the war. For the next time you have an expectation, the cycle will repeat. But this time, the battle becomes more intense more quickly. This pattern of behavior continues to escalate to a breaking point. Who's going to break? Will you become so exhausted that you finally give in? Or vice versa? This is usually when parents tell me that they dread spending time with their children. Or parenting is the most stressful thing they do and they can't wait for it to be over. 
So, how do we put out the fire? How do we get our children to obey without the dreaded emotional battle? Implement three simple steps: 
1) Sit down with your spouse and discuss what behavior is within your control and what behavior is outside of your control. Then establish actions and consequences to correspond with each behavior. Most battle of wills take place when a parent attempts to control something they simply cannot. 
  • You cannot force a child to chew and swallow. You can determine how long a child stares at his food refusing to eat. So, at mealtimes, provide a small amount of food for your child on a plate. Set a timer for 20 to 30 minutes depending on your family's normal mealtime routine. If he finishes all of the food on the plate, he can have more of anything he asks for. However, when the timer goes off, pick up his plate and say, "Meal time is over." If your child whines, simply say, "Mealtime is over. We will eat again at [whenever the next meal takes place]." In between meal times, do not provide snacks! If your child says he is hungry, give him a glass of water and remind him when the next mealtime takes place.
  • You cannot force a child to sleep. You can keep him in his room with the lights out. So, at bedtime, tell your child that it is time to sleep, tuck him in, and leave the room. If he gets out of bed, do not give him what he demands (water, snack, story), simply return him to his room and remind him it's time to sleep. If getting out of his room is out-of-control, install a gate and ignore the crying. 
  • You cannot force a child to stop throwing a temper tantrum. You can pick him up and put him in his room until he pulls himself together. Or you can institute a ticket or chart system that removes privileges when such behavior occurs. 

2) Stop asking, bribing, making deals, explaining.

  • "Can you get your shoes on?" "I would like you to hold my hand please." "Please try a little piece of chicken for me, okay?" "If you are good in the store, I'll buy you a piece of candy." "I have friends coming over, so if you could pick up your toys, that would help mommy." These imply the child has a choice in obeying.
  • Instead, tell your child what to do in very concise, simple terms and then follow through. "Put your shoes on." "Hold my hand." "I set the timer for 20 minutes. At that time, dinner will be over, even if there is food on your plate." "Put your toys away." If the child does not listen, enforce a consequence. A good idea for enforcing consequences is to write several consequences on slips of paper such as: Loss of TV Privilege, Early Bedtime, Extra Chore, etc. Put these slips in a jar. When an offense occurs, have your child draw a slip and enforce the consequence. If this happens more than once every few days, consider implementing a discipline program. Contact me if you need assistance. 

3) Act nonchalant and in control.

  • You cannot stop a child from becoming emotional. You can keep yourself from reacting. Staying calm and not engaging will go a long, long way in resolving these battles. 
  • The bigger deal you make of something, the more ammo you give your child. Your child takes his emotional cues from you. The more emotional you become, the more you attempt to push and coerce, the more fuel you are adding to the fire. So, take a deep breath and simply state your expectation. If you child disobeys, do not react in anger, hurt, or resentment. Stay calm! Stay confident! You have a plan in place, so simply follow through. 

 

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