Homework is one of the top three parenting questions I receive. "What do I do about my child's homework?" "How do I get my child to care, stop whining about,do his homework?" "I dread sitting down to help my child with her homework." Sound familiar? So what is the greatest coaching I can provide concerning your child's homework? Stop helping him! Scandalous, right? "But we want our children to get good grades. How will they get good grades if we don't help? What kind of parent would I be if I didn't help?" You will be the kind of parent that allows your child to take responsibility, learn accountability, and pay attention.
Ask yourself this question, "Which is better - good grades or comprehension of a subject?" Well, don't good grades indicate comprehension? Not necessarily. A grade is a combination of several items: homework, quizzes, tests, and participation. It is entirely possibly for a child to pass a class with a "B" while not fully understanding the subject. Let me set the stage, a child spends his days in class not paying attention (we will get to the why's later), then comes home to do his homework with his parent. Said parent sits down beside said child, pulls out the child's books, reads the child the instructions, and asks the child if he understands. The child shakes his head, "No." So, the parent becomes the teacher and reteaches the material. The child nods his head, makes some affirmative noises, "okay" "uh-huh" "yeah". Then the parent asks for the answer. The child stares blankly at the parent. The parent becomes frustrated. The child becomes weepy, "I just don't get it." The parent takes the pencil out of the child's hand, and does the problem for him, telling him, "Now pay attention." The child makes more affirmative noises. Now we move on to the next problem, and the cycle keeps repeating. By the end of the night, the child has a perfect homework paper or project, but everyone is upset and the process took much longer than it needed. At school, the teacher gets back perfect papers, the grade book shows a 100% in the homework and project field, but the child has never really learned the material, so receives marginal grades on the test. Due to No Child Left Behind, children can retake the test, and correctly answer the missed problems, bringing up their grade to passing. Even if the final course grade is made up of 50% homework/project and 50% quiz and test, a child will pass the course. A child with a 75% in testing, but a 100% in homework will pass with a 87.5% which looks good on paper, but in reality indicates that your child is actually being left behind.
So, why doesn't your child pay attention? He doesn't need to. You have taught him that there is no reason for him to pay any attention in class, because you will spend your evening helping him learn the material. He doesn't really need to listen to you either, because you will get frustrated and give him the answers if he just stares blankly at you for long enough, or gets upset enough. He doesn't even need to do good on the test, because he will be able to retake it after he knows exactly what information will be asked of him. Manipulative, right? Wrong. This is learned helplessness. Your child is simply responding to an established pattern. By helping him with his homework from a very early age, you have subtly told your child that he is not capable. He can't do it without you. Since he can't do it without you, there's really no reason to listen in class, no reason to do good on a test, no reason to try.
Have you ruined your child for good? No, you just need to change the pattern. Sit your child down, tell him that he is capable and
intelligent. Because he is capable, you will no longer help him with his homework. In fact, you have established a homework center for him in his room. To help him focus in his homework center,
you have removed all electrical devices from his room. When he gets home from school, you aren't even going to ask him if he has homework. What you are going to do is establish a time in which
homework will be completed - say 8pm. At 8, you aren't going to ask if his homework is done. You are just going to move on to the next activity, perhaps getting ready for bed. Since there are
times that people need additional help, you will help him with no more than two questions per evening at 7:30, but he must come and ask you for help. If he gets argumentative, ignores your help,
or starts to whine, he will just have to ask his teacher for help the next day. Here's the big kicker, you will not correct his homework for him. His teacher needs to have an accurate
representation of his work in order to ascertain whether he is comprehending the material.
Will this work? Yes, but expect a learning curve. Your child's grades will take a plunge initially while he figures out how to stand on his own two feet. This is not the end of the world, so ride it out. In the end, your child will become more capable, more attentive in class, and more competent. The benefits don't end there - you will get your evenings back, and your household will become much more peaceful.
Write a comment